Understanding anger, emotional reactions, and the patterns beneath them
“Anger is loaded with information and energy.” — Audre Lorde, The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism(1981)
Emotions are information. We so often have been taught that our emotions are either bad or good, acceptable or deplorable. We have emotions about our emotions.
When we think about anger, we often focus on what we want to stop: the raised voice, the sharp response, the frustration that spills over, or the argument that leaves us feeling disconnected from someone we care about. We might judge ourselves for getting angry, or promise that next time we’ll handle things differently.
But what if anger is not simply something to get rid of?
Audre Lorde wrote about anger in the context of racism and oppression, recognizing its potential to reveal injustice and create change. Her words also invite us to consider what anger might be telling us about our own experiences, boundaries, and needs.
Anger can arise when we feel dismissed, misunderstood, powerless, overwhelmed, or hurt. Sometimes it helps us recognize that something needs to change. Other times, it comes out in ways that damage our relationships or leave us feeling ashamed. We might become defensive, lash out, shut down, or find ourselves reacting more strongly than the situation seems to warrant.
Understanding our anger doesn’t mean excusing hurtful behaviour or avoiding responsibility for how we treat others. It means getting curious about what is happening beneath the reaction so we have more choice in how we respond.
In my counselling work, I’m interested in helping people understand these patterns with compassion rather than judgment. Approaches such as Internal Family Systems (IFS) invite us to explore the different parts of ourselves involved in a reaction. Perhaps one part is trying to protect us from feeling vulnerable. Another might be carrying years of frustration or the fear of not being heard.
When we approach these parts with curiosity instead of trying to push them away, we can begin to understand what they need. This doesn’t mean letting anger take over. In fact, making space for our feelings can help them become less overwhelming, allowing us to respond more intentionally.
For some people, this work means learning to recognize anger before it escalates. For others, it means understanding why certain situations feel so charged, becoming more comfortable with vulnerability, or learning to communicate boundaries without causing harm.
If you find yourself caught in recurring patterns of anger, frustration, or emotional reactivity, you don’t have to approach those patterns with shame. There may be something important to understand.
Counselling can offer a space to slow things down, explore what lies beneath the surface, and develop new ways of responding. The goal isn’t to never feel angry. It’s to understand your anger, take responsibility for your actions, and find ways to use what you learn to create meaningful change in your life and relationships.
If you’re looking for anger counselling or support with emotional regulation in the Comox Valley, I welcome you to connect with me at Through the Valley Counselling in Courtenay, BC.